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Parents' Positive Tips For Dealing With Professionals

Sorry I've been a bit slow getting round to it. It's not that I'm chicken,well alright, I am a bit. They are kinda my own little secret weapon and I feel weird telling other people.... These really are just notes to myself, and things which help me and kind of psyche me up and make me feel more able to cope and less intimidated. But they may not be the things that would help other people... I dunno.  Either way, If I pass them on maybe someone else can add stuff, so here goes...

As I said it starts off with a sheet with  "I will no longer be the victim..... I am here to get help for my son.... I am not here to win any popularity contest..... if they think I'm difficult, nasty, neurotic etc, that's irrelevant..... what's important is that I act on behalf on my son and make them aware of his needs and his problems."

Other sheets are made up with shortened versions of some of the points below... I find the shorter and snappier the easier they are to remember.... Like for the first one SLOW I'd just put SLOW  - No need to jabber! etc.

BRAVADO    They don't know how scared you are! It doesn't show! Act brave and assertive and that's what they'll see! So you're still shaking like a jelly inside, but pretend you aren't!  Guess what? After a while you even start to believe it yourself!

FEAR? ANXIETY - NOT necessarily all bad because they produce adrenaline which prepares you for the fight!  So feel good about being nervous!!! and USE that adrenaline!  (So no need to keep putting off meetings which you dread! You wouldn't want to waste that adrenaline)

PERSISTENCE    Along with calm, state your point of view calmly but very firmly and assertively... you are entitled to hold a view. Its YOURS and they may not agree with it or like it but it's as valid as anyone else's.

DON'T EXPLAIN    State your case!  Plainly and as simply as possible. Give examples if it helps... BUT NEVER, EVER feel you have to justify yourself, or your feelings and concerns for your child. You're supposed to fight for your child.. that's what Mum's are for!

PERSONAL ATTACK    If they stoop to personal attack or abuse, don't get caught up in it, it'll distract you from the reason you are there.  Say," I don't feel that's relevant or 'that's as maybe but......then go back to the point.

SIDE-TRACKED    Like above, don't allow them to side-track you into discussing something else. I think they do this on purpose... then all of a sudden you've run out of time, the meeting's over and you haven't said half the things you wanted to. If you can let them go on for a little while then leap in with something more relevant to bring it back on track.

LISTEN    More than you talk!  You will learn more, also if you save your words, and use them wisely/sparingly - they'll have more impact!  They are more likely to get the point too if it's not lost amongst waffle. PLUS, it's unnerving for them!

PRAISE/CONCILIATION    Alright, so you don't want to seem the aggressor, but that doesn't mean you have to go along with what they say. Don't be afraid to disagree! If you do it right, and are calm and polite but insistent then you are perfectly reasonable to do so. Like wise with praise, guard it and use it only carefully where entirely warranted, otherwise they may use it against you! (Very cynical that; sorry. Learnt the hard way, tried to be reasonable and get in their good books, they used it against me and said Oh but Mrs G said that.....)

EVADE    Never, let yourself be pressured into making promises or decisions you can't keep or haven't fully considered the consequences of.  Say I need time to think about that, and can I get back to you on that, or outright say.. I can't make that kind of decision on the spot.

SAY IT AGAIN SAM!     If they've said something that's out of order (all the time!) and nasty,  rather than getting upset and in a rage... get them to repeat it.. chances are they won't an bill backtrack.  i.e. say, 'so what you're saying is..' or 'are you suggesting that...'  or 'I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean by that..'

REITERATE       If they don't seem to be getting the message, or don't want to...or try to side-track. Keep on saying it over and over, can repeat it straight or change perspective slightly but either way DON'T let them lose the point of you being there.

QUESTION    Most of us are afraid to question those we suppose are above us, BUT unless you ask them outright or direct questions, you can't find out what's really going on. Otherwise a lot of beating around the bush goes on and at the end of it you are none the wiser and still are in the dark as to what they are really up to.. i.e.. do you come out, and feel I wonder
what they meant by that?  Next time, stop them and actually ASK!  Besides which it often embarrasses them when they try to explain because more often than not their slant on things tends to seem petty and unreasonable when it's actually spelt out in the open!

ANTI-NEGATIVE    If they insist on saying really negative remarks about your child.. try taking them and throwing them back with either the question/repeat above or else reframe them, i.e. 'he's so stubborn...' you say 'yes he can be determined...' Alright it's hard but try!

DISAGREE    It IS OK to disagree!  But do it so that it looks like it's them that are being the unreasonable ones!  Say, 'that's most regrettable that you think that way...' or 'I'm sorry that we can't seem to reach an agreement..'  That way invariably they'll be the one's to switch track and try to compromise.

IF ALL ELSE FAILS - LEAVE!  DON'T EVER hang around when you're on a loser! If you've tried your best and still can't convince them - thing's will just get worse from there on, and usually it ends up with them trying to lay all the blame on you!  If it's really bad, just go... you don't have to take it... otherwise try 'I think you've made you're position clear.  We will certainly think very carefully about what you have said..'  THAT REALLY SCARES THEM!  What's she going to do?

I think that'll do for now if anyone's still with me after all this :-) well done,I'll leave it there... but you get the idea...  Pick a few and write them down as a kind of pep talk to yourself.    Exhausted - KG